Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
