My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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