I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
