that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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