Non-Jews are for practice
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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