We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
