Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
