"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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