he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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