he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
