well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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