You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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