tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
