The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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