dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
