Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
