Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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