We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
