gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
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She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
last night I used snow as a chaser
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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