Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
