Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she pinky promised me she was 18
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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