So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
