I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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