I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
