You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
