i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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