im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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