He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
