6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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