I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
