If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
