i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
