She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
