I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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