I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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