One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
