is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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