she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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