I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
