If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
