I cannot find my penis.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
