shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
