I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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