My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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