i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
