you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
