what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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