I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
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I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
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Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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