I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
