So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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