I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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