I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
