I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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