I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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