she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
