I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm passing your future prison.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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