she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
