Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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